It is possible that swinging can damage a relationship or ruin a marriage but this is certainly not the norm for couples that become involved long term in the swinging lifestyle nor does it have to be an inevitable outcome of dipping your toes into swinging.
Many couples that attend Infusions club events regularly tell us that getting involved in swinging has actually made their relationship with their partner and their marriage stronger. This is often due to swinging experiences enhancing open communication between them, allowing them to express their wants and needs to their partner, and using swinging to fulfil these desires and fantasies.
Sometimes we are told that swinging has saved a couple’s marriage and we also talk to couples that are trying out swinging in an attempt to save their marriage. Trying swinging in an attempt to save your relationship can be a slippery slope … more about that later.
There are four secrets to the success of your swinging experience as a couple and those secrets are communication, confidence, boundaries and trust.
Open communication in a couple is essential if you want to both enjoy the swinging community. Swingers are by nature open minded people that don’t feel the need to be constrained by the views and norms of general society. Swinging couples go to events together so that they can enjoy play with others in the open and in front of or with their partners. Swinging is very different to extramarital affairs and open relationships because when couples swing both partners know exactly what the other is doing and with whom. There is no place for secrets in a swinging relationship as this will lead to jealously and mistrust between partners which sow the seeds for the ruin of the relationship.
A good place to start communicating openly is to tell your partner why you are interested in swinging and what you want to get from your swinging experiences. Discuss what you both looking for – such as some more spice in the bedroom, or to fulfill some of your personal fantasies such as group sex, threesomes, fetish, or gang bangs.
Successful swinging couples are confident in the relationship they share with their partner. They feel secure in their relationship and do not worry that the relationship they have will be negatively affected by both partners playing physically with others. Much of this confidence comes from an emotional bond between partners and the strength of their commitment to each other. When partners feel that they are the right fit for each other, complement the lives of one another, and enjoy spending day to day life together then they are able to be confident that sexual or physical encounters with others during swinging is a separate experience to the partnership they share and will not impact that relationship after the experience.
This confidence is important as with this confidence it is much less likely that couples will feel jealousy or fear and they will be able to fully enjoy swinging experiences with or without their partners.
Discuss with your partner before you attend your first swingers event what you are comfortable doing with others and what you are comfortable for your partner to do with others. Make a list of what is acceptable and what is out of bounds. Decide if there any intimate contact that you will save only for intimacy between you and your own partner and not indulge in with swinging partners.
Discuss how you will approach your first experiences at swinging events and how you get involved in any play at event.
Here are some prompts to aid discussion:
- Will you check in with your partner to make sure they are comfortable with a person before you have any intimate contact with them?
- What method will you use to check in?
- Are you ok with your partner kissing others?
- Are you ok with your partner having oral sex?
- Are you ok with your partner having intercourse?
- Will you play only together with other partner/partners or can one person play separately?
- If you play separately will your partner be present during all play or are you ok with them going to a room separately?
- Will you play in public spaces together or only in private rooms?
- What signal will be used if one of you is uncomfortable with the activities?
- Will you agree to halt activities if one partner is uncomfortable?
Hopefully you agree only to have safe sex with others as this is what we promote at Infusions but this is a topic that certainly must also be discussed and agreed upon between a couple.
Along the path of enjoying the swinging journey these questions and your boundaries will invariably change as you become more accustomed to the lifestyle and more comfortable sharing experiences with your partner. This is just a list to help get started with some open discussions.
The issue of trust in a relationship is important as once you have set boundaries and rules for your play at events then you need to be able to trust that your partner will follow these rules. If you do not trust them then you will always be on edge wondering or worrying what they are doing at the swinging event and you will not be able to relax and enjoy the experiences.
When can swinging ruin a relationship or marriage?
If the pillars of open communication, confidence and trust do not exist in your current relationship or are some of the reasons that your current marriage is failing then getting involved with swinging may be a recipe for disaster. Without these pillars partners may have existing jealousies, resentments, or fears about the fidelity of their partner and how committed they are to the relationship. Joining a swinging experience with these jealousies and fears in play will generally bring them to the surface and mean that you have outbursts or arguments while attending the event.
For this reason swinging is not a good way to fix a failing relationship that is suffering because of a lack of trust or communication. You will need to work on building these skills together before I would recommend considering trying out swinging. However, if you have these skills and your marriage is suffering because of others reasons such as boredom or monotony of sexual experiences, or longings to have different sexual experiences, then swinging may be just what you are looking for to spice things up and get you out of a rut!